Marriage Brings More Family

There are a lot of really amazing things that marriage can bring into your life. I could go on and on about the blessings that I have received because of my own marriage. It is definitely something to look forward to and desire. Marriage also brings challenges along with blessings.

One of the greatest blessings that marriage brings is an addition of more family members. You attain another set of parents, more siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, more grandparents, and nieces and nephews. It is fantastic and also a little overwhelming!

Before marriage you only have to worry about loving the people who have always been there for you throughout your life. Once you are married, you have an entirely different family to love and look out for.

Media has portrayed in-laws as unbearable and difficult to get along with and in some cases, that may be true. I have friends who have stated how they have no clue how their husbands came from such crazy families. Not only do you gain a new family but your husband gains your family as well. Gaining more family members is a challenge and for some it can be one of the more difficult parts of marriage.

Up until the point of marriage, you have been raised in only one type of family. Attaining new family members brings new traditions and a variety of new opinions.

Who do you share holidays with? Who do you visit most often? Which grandparents get to spend birthdays with your children? And on top of all of these questions, what traditions do you decide to start with your own intermediate family?

All of these questions need to be discussed between the husband and the wife. What it all comes down to is, how do you learn to love an entirely new family?

Here is a video that shares a story of what love should be towards parents and in-laws.
https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2014-10-002-families-sacrifice-give-love?category=topics/love&lang=eng

Once newly married, it is easy to love your spouse but it may not be the same for his family. Finding love for new family members can be extremely challenging for some, but as you learn to truly love them you will feel a change of heart and become closer to your Savior, Jesus Christ.

Pray for your new family members, pray for their well-being, pray for them individually, and pray that you will achieve Christlike love towards them. I know that as you do so you will begin to feel your heart soften towards them. We are commanded to love all men and that should include all of our family members, even our newly added family members.

RESPECT

According to dictionary.com, respect is "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.”

A sense of worth or excellence in another person.

How do we attain this sense of worth or excellence for another person? How do we truly show our respect?

They way that you value a person can show you how much respect you have for them. When you hold a person in the highest esteem you express a high level of respect. This level of respect should be one that is used in a marriage.

“Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home” (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284).

Earlier this week, I read this quote and it got me thinking about what respect for another person truly was. It also got me thinking about marriage and what kind of love should be shown within a husband and a wife. Love without respect is not love at all.

As a husband and wife demonstrate a love full of respect they will be able to demonstrate to others how to feel most fulfilled in life. As children become a part of a family they will learn how to love and show respect by watching their parent’s examples. The goal as a parent is to raise children that will be successful and those whom are respectful will be the people that are respected and through that they can achieve anything.

Wives and husbands need to feel a sense of worth or excellence about their partner and as this is done their views about their spouses will change. Marriage gives you the perfect opportunity to practice the act of respect. As you respect your spouse they will show you the same in return. Being respected gives you power and a sense of accomplishment.

Analyze your life and decide how you will respect the people that you associate with! It could change your life. 

Date Night!

My parents have always had a fantastic relationship. They have shown me what true love looks like. They have shown me that marriage isn't easy and there will be some challenging times but that it will all be worth it.

I have seen a lot of things that my parents have taught me manifested through my own marriage. My mom and dad were prime examples at how to have a successful and happy marriage, while going through challenging times.

My dad has always put my mom first. I used to joke to my friends that my parents still acted like newly weds, and I believe that what truly got them through everything were the nights that they took a break from every day life and focused on quality time with one another. Almost weekly my parents would go on a date. They understood the importance of taking time out of their week to develop their relationship with one another.

I am the oldest of 5 kids and because of that I became their permanent babysitter. Even before I was old enough to babysit, my parents would get a babysitter so that they could go on a date night. When I was younger I would get frustrated that my parents went out with each other so much and never brought us. I never understood just how important their date night was until I married my own husband.

Life is crazy and I feel that it doesn't get any less crazy as we go along. Often times, we can say that we are too busy to worry about dates right now. There is never enough time and dating your husband or wife is not something that you should be putting off. Dating is not something that should be forgotten once you are married.

Now, I am not saying that you have to go to a fancy dinner or spend a lot of money every week to date your spouse. What I am saying is that every week you should be devoting at least 1-2 hours of quality time to your spouse. This time should be away from the busy world you live in. This time should be considered sacred and extremely important.

There are many great reasons to date your spouse, but one that would like to point out is that you both need each other. Marriage is hard and it can be easy to get lost in the many different activities that you are involved in. Date nights can help you build one another up. It gives you time to wind down from the business of life and have time to talk about things going on with you. I believe that in order to have a successful marriage you have to commit to each other to work on it daily. It is a part of life that should not be put aside. Marriage is something that can bless and enrich your life, only when you are both putting effort into its success.

Go on dates! Make time for it! I promise that it is worth it. I feel much better about my week knowing that I have something to look forward to. I have specific time devoted to my relationship with my husband. I love watching our love grow as we continue to date each other and work at a great marriage. 

What Are His Goals?

Former prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints, President Ezra Taft Benson stated that "A husband and wife must attain righteous unity and oneness in their goals, desires, and actions."

This kind of unity cannot be reached until you have learned what your spouse's goals and desires truly are. Righteous unity would imply that you both have reached a level of spiritual union on a common decision or action in your marriage or home.

Problems and disagreements will arise in marriage and in any relationship. Each person has their own thoughts and ideas and not every problem or disagreement must be perfectly resolved. There will be differences in opinions and even with these differences there is a way to achieve righteous unity. Some issues may seem like they are unsolvable and if that happens then there will become a way for your relationship to learn to live with them.

Marriage does not mean that you must become exactly the same as your spouse. You do not have to conform to the ways of your spouse. You are both two incredibly different people and you may feel strongly about different issues. In a relationship there can be certain issues that repeatedly occur or are discussed. Some may feel that these disagreements may never become solved. Something that I have learned is that there are ways to live with opposing ideas and still show love and respect.

When two people have come to a point where they feel that they can't navigate their way out of an issue, it is a sign that each person person has dreams for their lives that the other is not aware of, hadn't acknowledged, or doesn't respect. These dreams can be hopes, aspirations or wishes that are a part of who an individual is and what give that person purpose.

There are all kinds of dreams that people can have. They can be something very simple, or they are something that is deep and may be hidden within a person.

This week, my husband and I discussed a few arguments that we have had due to differences of dreams and he brought up something that happened just the other night.

I had gotten after him for using all of our milk. I had already bought two gallons that week and I didn't think it was necessary for us to buy another! I reminded him that water was free and he should be drinking that instead. He was clearly frustrated by what I had said and told me that he works hard at his jobs every day and doesn't want to feel like he is making all this money but can't drink a glass of milk when he wants. In the argument we realized that we were both being ridiculous and that we needed to meet half-way.

After discussing this disagreement, we came to the realization that the true reason to why I was upset about the milk was that I was worried about money. It had nothing to do with him and his milk drinking but that I felt that my dream for financial security was not going to be met.

Disagreements may arise due to the way we feel about our dreams. It can be something as small as my milk example or something big enough for a spouse to think of divorce.

Going back to what President Ezra Taft Benson said, we must come to know our spouses goals and dreams. As we do so we will learn to be sensitiveness to them and learn to support them, bringing righteous unity into our homes. When a common goal is found between a couple they can learn to adjust their lives to achieve this goal. If a family has a common goal of happiness or peace then they will learn that their other goals, desires and actions must lead to this ultimate common goal.

As a couple works together in supporting one another in their goals and dreams they will achieve a new level of unity. It will bring their relationship to another level and they will begin to understand each other to the best of their abilities. So, think to yourself what are our dreams?

"He" Made Me Mad

Last year I became best friends with one of my roommates and I learned a great deal of important things from her. One thing that she taught me was that nobody "makes" you do anything.

I can remember the countless times I would say "now look what you made me do" and she would quickly respond with " I, didn't make you do anything!" with a big smirk across her face. It was almost an inside joke between the two of us.

Thinking about the idea that people don't control my actions has made me realize that my actions are truly my own. If I choose to yell at someone then it has nothing to do with how annoying the other person is being. What it comes down to is I was the one who because who chose to yell. It was my choice.

Blaming others for our actions is something that comes naturally. "He took too long and he made me late", "She made me burn dinner because she was distracting me", or "He made me yell because he just wasn't listening"; are all things that I have thought or even said.

Realizing that we are at fault requires a certain level of humility. We have to be okay with the idea that we make our own choices and we were not forced to do anything. We have our own free-agency.

Anger or frustration with others is something that we decide or something that we can control. It may require more self-discipline than we have exerted in the past. We choose our actions and we can control our words.

Here is a short clip on anger and how it surrounds our lives.



Anger destroys love and trust. Truly nothing good comes from anger.

Every day we can make an effort to choose peace and joy in our lives and choose to fight against the anger that surrounds us all.

As we take ownership of our own actions we will begin to make to see a happier future ahead of us. One that is full of serenity and peace. One where we can control our tempers and show love to all whom surround us.

Does Pride Consume Your Life?

How many times have I looked at another person and thought to myself, "Man, that guy is so full of himself. I wonder if he sees how prideful he is?".

Now I am wondering how many people have thought that about myself. Yikes.

I feel that pride is something that we all need to work on removing from our lives every day. We need to think less of the "me" and think more of others.

If any of you are looking for a good read this week then I would direct you to this link,
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng
This is an adress given by Ezra Taft Benson in 1989 and everything within the talk can be applicable to our lives today.

The antidote to pride is humility and often times I don't feel as though I am being prideful until I take a step back and look at my choices and actions. This week I did some pondering on the kind of pride we use in relationships. I thought of the many ways that I use pride to justify things that keep my marriage from progressing. Here are a few....

• Ignore spouse, or give spouse the "cold shoulder" • Impatient with impatience • Caught up in who' s right and who's wrong • Blaming, defensiveness • Attack, counterattack • Score keeping, with intentions of noting who is winning or losing • Refusal to apologize first • Holding the other hostage by refusing to forgive • Proving superiority by bringing up spouse's faults • Holding grudges • The "silent treatment"• Sharing spouse's weaknesses with others • Intentionally trying to create jealousies in spouse • Get others to create an alliance with you against your spouse • Putting words in spouse's mouth to manipulate • Displaying an attitude of entitlement in the marriage • Stubbornness or unwillingness to change • Selfishness, thinking only of your needs • Unwillingness to learn from spouse • Fault finding • Withholding love and affection

I hope that every one of us can look at this list and see where we have wronged our spouse. I hope that as we read these things we are then able to humble ourselves and realize the things that we are doing that tear down our relationships instead of build them up.

Pick one of these ideas and choose to become better in it. Choose to be a better husband or wife. Choose to be humble and not let pride control our lives.

A Marriage Full of Shared Meaning

I have been reading a book titled the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman. It really is an amazing book and you all should go look it up. It seriously can change your marriage and the way that you view your marriage. Here is a little video of Gottman discussing how you can improve your marriage in 30 seconds!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vz_Cbsu3o&list=PLHxPAzm21rZhtYUhpvXqwrW_Dabrnrl-9&index=8

This story is just one small example of the seven principles that he outlines. This week I was reading about the last principle in the book which is to create shared meaning.

Shared meaning. How can our relationships have shared meaning? I asked myself this question as I was reading this book. Gottman has a list of four different ideas on how we can have shared meaning with our spouses. 

1. Rituals of Connection: These are things like eating dinner together or establishing any other kinds of rituals in the home. Holidays could be another really great example. These rituals need to be created between you and your spouse or children. Maybe it is a Friday night date night or a Wednesday afternoon walk. It needs to be something that you do together as a ritual that brings you even closer together. 

2. Support for each other's roles: This would be that you both understand what each other's roles really are. Talking about what it means to be a wife, husband, or parent. After discussing what roles you have then you should then find ways to support each other in these roles. 

3. Shared Goals: These kinds of goals could be practical, physical, emotional or spiritual. But it is good to have a common goal to work towards together. When I have a personal goal I pray so that I may be able to achieve it. This would be a great thing to do as a couple, pray together in hopes of achieving a common goal. 

4. Shared Values and Symbols: Find something that represents your relationship as a symbol. It could be something religious (like a picture of the temple or cross), it could be a house, or something from a vacation, or pictures of family. Either way there need to be some shared symbol and have shared values between the couple. My husband and I have pictures of us all around our home and in our bedroom we display our eternal marriage certificate as a symbol of the commitment we made to each other. 

I think that it is so easy to become our own independent selves over time. We get so caught up in the me me me that we don't look at the us. 

Last summer I worked in a hotel as a housekeeper, and often times, a couple would get hotel rooms that had two beds so that they didn't have to sleep together of so they could sleep in different beds. This was shocking to me. I was single and was excited to one day have a husband that I could share my bed with. It broke my heart!

There are just some thing in life that are better if we share them. I know that if we have shared meaning in our relationships we will be happier in our marriages and in our family's.